回憶舅舅

My uncle (my mom’s younger brother), born the 50th year of the Republic, passed away on September 1st, the 100th year of the Republic, after fighting lung cancer for a year and eight months. His last words, before he lapsed into unconsciousness, was 「耶穌–恩典–憐憫–慈愛」(“Jesus–Grace–Mercy–Love”).

His passing has been extremely tough on the entire family – he is well-loved not just my his wife and two children, but by all of us. When I heard the news – and as I rushed to Taiwan, reflecting on how he died so young, how my cousins are still so young, how my aunt lost, as she puts it, the sky that covered her these past 20 years – I could not help but wonder “Why?” The first night after I arrived in Taiwan, as we were taking a taxi out to dinner, my cousin wept as she thought about how she’ll never get to learn how to drive a car from her Daddy…and I could not help but ask “Why?”

This is the eulogy that my aunt asked me to write and share for my uncle’s memorial service –  it is also a reflection of the hope I found in the midst of asking “Why?” This is my farewell – or rather, “see-you-soon” – to my 大舅舅.

(It’s in mandarin…translation coming soon)

March 2011 - my uncle came along with everyone to see me off at the airport (with his oxygen pump attached) after my visit to Taiwan this past Spring Break. Little did I know that when I visited again half a year later, he would already be gone...

回憶

雖然我自從小學畢業後回到美國， 這十年來跟舅舅相處的時間不多， 但是我對他的回憶很豐富，也很深刻。

我小時候特別喜歡去舅舅家玩。 雖然從台南到台北要坐很久的車，但我每次都覺得很值得: 因為舅舅家有很酷的家庭影院 – 有大螢幕還有環繞音響。而且舅舅家什麼電影都有-尤其是動作片。 我還記得每次來看舅舅，他都有最新， 最有趣的電子產品 – 特別是那些「前有測速照相」的東西， 我記得每次他都有一個新的！

但我最珍惜的回憶是我們多次跟舅舅， 舅媽，劭劭， 翔翔 他們全家一起出去玩的時光。 我們常去登山，洗溫泉，甚至環島。尤其是幾次的家庭大出遊—不但有爸爸， 媽媽， 弟弟，大舅舅全家， 連小舅舅全家和阿嬤也都一起出去玩的時候，更是回味無窮。

有一次我們家族旅遊，大家一起去山上玩。那時我們一大隊車順著霧濛濛的山路摸上了山，住進旅館。我記得那天晚上我們要睡覺時，大舅媽問我們這些小孩「誰要跟大舅舅睡同一張床」 – 我們都嚇的要死， 一哄而散！

其實也不是因為舅舅他很兇 – 只是因為我們心目中的大舅舅就是又高又壯， 而且又是律師。所以當我們調皮時， 大人就會嚇我們，叫我們跟大舅舅一起坐，我們就會安分一點。 連動物都敬畏我們的大舅舅。記得有一次劭劭和翔翔的小學養了一隻兔子。舅舅竟然一下就教會了那隻兔子去哪裡上廁所！ (我聽翔翔說，其實不只兔子， 舅舅也很會教其他的動物上廁所。)

雖然如此，但我們都看得出來舅舅他很有愛心。坐過他的車的人都會注意到，如果你坐在前座，不管你是不是他的家人，有沒有綁安全帶，他剎車的時候一定會把他的右手伸過來幫你擋著， 把你護著。

憂傷

今年三月我利用學校放春假時回來探望舅舅。 那時候舅舅已經瘦了很多，跟我們以前十分敬畏的大舅舅截然不同。 但是我也馬上注意到， 大舅舅的心靈其實仍然又高又壯。他精神依然很堅強，跟大家也一直有說有笑。 我更看得出來，他那時雖然忍受著疾病與化療帶來的的痛苦，舅舅對家人的愛和責任感一點都沒減少。

我要回美國那天，舅舅還跟著大家送我到機場。我跟他道別時，覺得十分肯定我下次來台灣一定會再看到舅舅。 誰也沒想到這次回來舅舅已經離開了…

我接到消息那天，剛從教會的查經小組回到家。 那晚我還有特別請小組裡的弟兄為舅舅代禱。 我弟弟和媽媽那時已經到台灣了。 我從弟弟接到消息時，真的很難相信。等我體受到這個消息的真實時，我的第一個反應是:

「主啊，為什麼?」

希望

到達台灣後，看到舅媽，劭劭，翔翔，阿嬤，和媽媽那麼傷心，我真的不知道能夠說什麼。想安慰他們又怕越說他們反而越傷心。 舅舅這麼早就離開我們， 我們大家都捨不得 – 但是舅媽，劭劭，翔翔，阿嬤，和媽媽他們最捨不得。

但是我知道， 我們憂傷，不像那些沒有指望的人一樣。我們有指望， 因為我們知道神要擦去我們一切的眼淚；不再有死亡，也不再有悲哀、哭號、疼痛，因為以前的事都過去了。坐寶座的要對我們說：看哪，我將一切都更新了！ 我們有指望，因為在基督裡而活的， 活著就是基督，死了就有益處。我們有指望因為我們不是追悼死亡，而是盼望永生。

我堅信上次春假回來，絕對不會是我跟舅舅見面的最後一次。絕對不是。我在來台灣的飛機上，雖然一直問 “為什麼，”但是上帝給了我一個更安慰的答案。祂對我說:

「不必擔心， 因為你舅媽，劭劭，翔翔是我的兒女，我是他們的天父; 也別灰心， 因為舅舅他在這世上所失去的遠遠不及我為他在天國所預備的。  在我的殿內住一日，勝似在別處住千日。 我實在告訴你，今日你舅舅已同我在樂園裡了。

我， 耶和華如此說，也必如此行了。」

Protected: Prayer Request for My Family

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

No Higher Calling

Thoughts as I Begin My Second Year of Law School (2L)

“Truth is nowhere to be found, and whoever shuns evil becomes a prey. The Lord looked and was displeased that there was no justice. He saw that there was no one, he was appalled that there was no one to intercede.”

— Isaiah 59:15-16

Picture courtesy of: Duncan Leung (http://www.duncanleung.com/blog/)

Before leaving my summer internship, my supervisor gave me a “devotional readings for lawyers” titled No Higher Calling. Although I am merely a “2L” who has barely started the second year – which means I’m not even an infant yet in the legal profession, just a second-trimester baby in the mother’s womb – I must wholeheartedly agree that there is indeed no higher calling.

I am still a little skeptical about the oft-repeated adage that 1L is the hardest year in law school, especially because this upcoming year is really not looking any easier. But 1L year was definitely tough, and not just academically. I was pretty burnt out even before second semester started. I could only take so much of the “read – go to class – read – go to class – read some more” cycle, which loops on until you take the one and only final that determines your grade and, consequently, your life.

Yup, somewhere along the way, I lost sight of what is important. I wondered to myself: what if my grades aren’t good enough? What if the school I chose to attend isn’t prestigious enough? What if the opportunities I had chosen aren’t the ones that will lead up to a distinguished career?

“Again I looked and saw all the oppression that was taking place under the sun: I saw the tears of the oppressed–and they have no comforter; power was on the side of their oppressors—and they have no comforter.”

— Ecclesiastes 4:1

This summer, I was tasked with conducting the necessary preliminary legal research to pave the way for the organizations venture into China. It was perfect: exposing the short-comings of the Chinese government? Sign me up!

It’s only too easy to turn ridiculing the Chinese government into a hobby, but I was quickly struck by the gravity of the realities: Chinese border guards collude with North Korean border guards to profit from trafficking North Korean women into China for prostitution…corrupt government officials disguise forced youth labor camps as government “internships” (talk about getting surprised on the first day of work)…an estimated 100 million women are missing from the Chinese population because of infanticide and sex-selective abortions (government-mandated in many cases)…! The list goes on and on. Even without ever setting foot on Chinese soil, these facts gave me a glimpse of the oppression that was taking place under the sun – and the tears of the oppressed.

And then there’s the picture posted at the top of this entry. It’s a simple picture taken with a cellphone on the streets of Beijing (by a fellow CFC alum), yet this pictures has so much to say: the contrast between the modern, affluent cityscape and the struggling migrant worker – the hard labor, the sense of alienation, the surrounding apathy… – especially considering that the ultimate difference between the migrant worker and that lady in the center of the picture with the designer bag (fake though it may be…) is the hukou status (class – or caste even, as some call it) they were born with. You can’t help but wonder – is anyone interceding for him?

Let me not be blind with privilege
Give me eyes to see the pain
Let the blessing You’ve poured out on me
Not be spent on me in vain
Let this life be used for change

— “I Will Go” by Starfield

Thankfully, at a retreat toward the end of the summer, God, through the things I “saw” throughout the summer and through the retreat’s prayer times, sermons, and the rebuke of an old lady who prays a lot, put everything back into perspective: “Should your life be measured by what you achieve? Or by how you spent it for me?”

In the words of the Starfield song, even the privilege of being able to attend law school in Washington, D.C. had blinded me. A migrant worker – scorned and despised by the wealthy city dwellers walking around him, abandoned by his government, exploited by the job market, and away from his family – pulls a cart through the streets of Beijing for a meager pay, and I’m here worrying about prestigious jobs and renown?

I can dream about becoming a big-shot judge, a renown litigator, a famous champion for the oppressed – yes, I can settle for pursuing excellence. But I pray – for my second year in law school, but also for the rest of my legal career and the rest of my life – that I would pursue obedience. For I know that to aim for obedience is to aim for perfection – and to aim for excellence is to aim for something less.

He hath told you, O man, what is good. And what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justice, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?

Indeed, there is no higher calling.

A year in D.C.

Pictures from my first year in DC: clockwise from top-left - Fall, Winter, Spring, and Summer

Exactly a year ago, I packed my belongings into my car and, after saying my final farewell, left the small middle-of-the-cornfields campus town that transformed my life. I remember weeping great drops of tears as I got on the freeway, with Champaign finally in my rear-view mirror – which, I’ll admit, didn’t stop until I reached Indianapolis. Eleven hours later, I arrived at a very different city – Washington, D.C.

Here I am now, officially a “2L” (second-year law student) – having survived first year of law school and D.C. driving/drivers. In this one year, so much has changed: a different circle of friends, a different church, different responsibilities (definitely wouldn’t be preparing a Supreme Court case if I was still in Champaign), etc. Yet, exciting as it is to study law in Washington D.C. and to be privileged with the rare opportunity of bringing a case before the Supreme Court of the United States, I find myself wondering: did I make the right decision coming to DC? Have I grown? Or have I languished because of my lack of spiritual self-discipline?

As I look back on this past year, the answers are clear. How could I doubt that God brought me here to DC? I remember the passion and conviction that brought me here: wanting to see our country’s capital, and the country itself, revived; wanting to be a man who answered the call to stand in the gap for American University, a school known as “the graveyard of Christian ministries”; and, ultimately, wanting to be used by God wherever I am. Still, somewhere along the way, these convictions faded as I faced discouragements, busyness, distractions… and I must sadly admit, in my transition to young adult life, law school, and the new environment, it became to easy to stop seeking God.

An older brother at the church I now attend in DC calls it “the gift of the desert.” Yes, it sucked. But as I look back, God has indeed turned a desert experience into a gift. Just as fledglings must fall and struggle many times after leaving the safety of the nest before they could finally take flight, God has given me this opportunity to build my character, spiritual discipline, and to teach me to seek Him even when it’s difficult – when I don’t have eight prayer meetings a week available to me, when I am not constantly surrounded by Christian friends and roommates – when I’m simply not being “spoon-fed” with opportunities to grow. Yes, I struggled – languished, even – but I grew because God remained faithful, even when I was terribly unfaithful. Through the desert, God remained true to His promise.

At a retreat this past weekend, a wise, old lady that prays a lot – who I consider to be a spiritual grandma of sorts – reminded all of us (paraphrased): “Don’t depend on the programs that the church has to offer, don’t wait for the church to create opportunities for you to grow: it’s just because you’re not seeking God!” Want to see Washington D.C./AU/Taiwan revived? Just pray!

Although I expected to do so at first, I now know that I will not find another church that has the sort of amazing “programs” and opportunities as CFC. As all CFC alumni would agree, CFC was unique – and it will doubtlessly hold an irreplaceable position in my heart. But it was only after leaving the comfort of CFC for a whole year that I could fully appreciate the true value of all that I experienced and learned there:

“This was the very reason you were brought into Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you might know me better there.”

- Aslan (Chronicles of Narnia:  The Voyage of the Dawn Treader)

CFC was my Narnia – a training ground and unique environment where I experienced God’s grace, love, faithfulness and glory in power. Aslan made it clear to the children that Narnia was meant to train them and help them build an intimate relationship with God – so that in their own world they can be faithful until the end. And so, it is apparent to me now more than ever that it was for this very reason I was brought to the cornfields of Illinois – that by knowing Him there for a little, I might know Him better here and now.

———————————

I have posted watchmen on your walls, Jerusalem; 
   they will never be silent day or night. 
You who call on the LORD, 
   give yourselves no rest, 
and give him no rest till he establishes Jerusalem 
   and makes her the praise of the earth. 

O Lord, help me: may I be a watchman, faithful until the end, never silent day or night.

For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent, for Jerusalem’s sake I will not remain quiet, till her vindication shines out like the dawn, her salvation like a blazing torch. The nations will see your vindication, and all kings your glory.

Uhm…

Wow, I suck. I meant to put up an update about the summer mission trip to Japan…two and a half months ago.

maybe when I find time one of these days…

But there will be more activity on here: as a small step of applying what we’re learning in the Spiritual Disciplines special Bible study, P. Jong has asked us to start journaling – either in a real journal or on a blog. I can’t seem to write in a real journal for the life of me, so…online blog it is.

Chance Time

Heading out to Osaka for a month – for greater things are yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city! There is no one like our God!

Some prayer requests for myself and the CFC Japan mission team:

• Weather (rain season when we arrive) – if it rains, people tend to not show up at the events
• Swine flu – people might associate it with Americans and thus stay away from us
• Open hearts of people we talk to on campus
• Willingness on our parts to be led by the Spirit – willingness to sacrifice
• The short amount of time we have there (we only have ~3 full weeks)
• Special Praise (we’re not too good…)
• Skits and dramas – we need to go over the top and surrender ourselves
• English lessons – please pray that people will show up the first day we have it! Otherwise we lose a lot of “chance time”
• Safety in travel
• Homeless ministry (they’re much older and seasoned in life than we are…so please pray that God will still use us to bless them somehow)

Personal prayer requests

• Heart that is willing to sacrifice and be the kernel of wheat that dies
• Peace from all the anxieties about next year – job, law school, etc
• Urgency and a attitude of continually drawing my strength from God

Everyone on our team will admit that we’re really unprepared – spiritually especially. We have a lot of weaknesses, talent-wise, experience-wise, and even number-wise (team of 10). Please pray that our team’s weaknesses, along with external things like the Swine flu, will not give way to desires to give up, hopelessness, or a lost of focus – but that our weaknesses will instead yield dependent hearts through which God will work with all His wonders.

Each person in our team is bringing a bag that’s over 45lbs – for the guys, we all have two bags that are over 45 lbs each. Obviously we’re bringing a lot of stuff with us. But please pray that beyond all of that, in our hearts we will be going as Moses going before Pharoah – carrying nothing but the dependence on God as his staff.

Peace, Be Still, And know that I am God. Please know that I am God.

In this dry and barren land

A passage I’ve been finding to be particularly encouraging while preparing to leave for Japan - 

 ”And the priests and the Levites who were in all Israel presented themselves to him [King Rehoboam] from all places where they lived. For the Levites left their common lands and their holdings and came to Judah and Jerusalem,… And those who had set their hearts to seek the LORD God of Israel came after them from all the tribes of Israel to Jerusalem to sacrifice to the LORD, the God of their fathers.  They strengthened the kingdom of Judah, and for three years they made Rehoboam the son of Solomon secure, for they walked for three years in the way of David and Solomon.”

- 2 Chronicles 11: 13-14, 16-17 

I don’t like to mention politics…but I’m going to do that a little bit here. I was thinking about all the controversies about President Obama “toning down” the National Day of Prayer – and the uproar that stirred up within the Christian community. I was pretty resentful too when I first heard about that – “oh how dare he”, “oh what is America coming to” – but now I don’t even think of it as such a big deal. I can’t say that I know what the President’s motive was in doing that – who knows, maybe he was able to have a more sincere and less politicized prayer time because of it – but I can see why some see this as a sign of America’s declining spiritual condition. From the way I look at it though, talking about national prayer only as this one-day thing is already enough indication of that anyways. So thinking about all this along with Japan, the “dry and barren land” I’ll be in for the next month, and Taiwan, I find what happened in this passage to be really encouraging.

Rehoboam was a king that didn’t follow God (2 Chronicles 12:14 “he did evil, for he did not set his heart to seek the LORD”) and Judah was quickly becoming a spiritually desolate land (1 King 14:22 “Judah did evil in the eyes of the LORD” during Rehoboam’s reign). Yet here Rehoboam and Judah were made “secure” by the faithfuls who had their hearts set on seeking God – those who were so set on seeking God they left their homes in the apostate nothern kingdom of Israel to come to Judah in order to worship in Jerusalem. While they were nevertheless subject to an ungodly king in Judah, these people strengthened and brought blessing to the kingdom simply by following God.  

This passage reminds me is that regardless of the political climate and the spiritual condition of the country, God is willing to use even just a small handful of His people to bring revival. Especially in a dry and barren land. All He asks of us is that we set our hearts, our whole hearts, to seek Him. When we’re willing to that, He will bring revival to the US, to Taiwan, to Japan, and to the whole world. Having or advocating for “Christian” things like the word “God” in the Pledge of Allegiance or a National Day of Prayer isn’t going to make a nation “Christian”. I’ve come to see that these are only meaningful if they come out as the expressions of a nation’s worship. I know I used to hold onto these things as if they are enough as proofs of America’s Christian-ness (hmm, you could probably still find stuff like that if you go far back enough in my old xanga entries) – but really America can have all these things and still be a spiritual desert. Only prayer and hearts that yearn for God can make a desert into holy ground – not efforts to impose Christian ideals and morality into every aspect of a nation. It’s not even about the ruler in power – whether it’s a super Christian president or a king like Rehoboam. Like Jipsanim keeps telling us – if there’s even just one right heart before God, Japan can change, Taiwan can change, American can change, and the world will change.

But the encouraging part about all this is also the hardest part: setting God as the center and the focus. The sad thing about the story in this passage is that the faithfulness of these people and the priests and Levites only lasted three years. After that, Judah, along with Israel, fell into the long period of decline that eventually led to their exile. 主阿, let it not be so for us!

In this dry and barren land

Among a people turned away

we will stand apart and seek your name…

…A holy nation set apart, a royal priesthood seeking purity of heart

We will stand, we will stand in this dry and barren land

…and in all these things

Haven’t blogged/journaled in a long time (even though I should be journaling for the summer mission…)

So I decided to start anew here on WordPress…leaving behind (or bringing with me?) the immaturity chronicled in my Xanga.

I felt particularly convicted to start again with this “…and in all these things” theme/approach – which came from the famous Romans 8:28 – “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,who have been called according to his purpose.”

While doing my QTs I came across Genesis 42:35-38, where old Jacob moaned “All these things are against me” in verse 36. With everything that was happening to Jacob and his family, it certainly seemed so. Of course, knowing this famous story, we know that tons of blessing awaited Jacob just a few chapters later.

This has definitely been a difficult semester…not academically of course, not at all. Just circumstantially…and with everything that’s going on, I often find myself moaning “all these things are against me…” I find it difficult to believe and trust that all the dissappointments I face now are only a part of the mosaic that would eventually bring indescribable joy. 

It’s not too profound…and you definitely won’t find anything profound on my blog entires…but I realized that at every given moment I have to decide which verse I live by – Genesis 42:36, or Romans 8:28? I will always have to choose to respond with “all these things are against me”, or “and we know that in all things…”

I want this blog to be a way to recount all the different things that will be happening – and show that in all these things God works for the good of those who love Him.